My 9th graders read Victor Frankl's Man's Search for Meaning, a nonfiction book by a psychiatrist. He, a Holocaust survivor, used his experiences in the concentration camps to support his theory of logotherapy, outlining what it takes for a person to survive a traumatic experience. He focuses on the following arguments:
1) Have love in your life
2) Focus on the good things in your life
and, most importantly
3) Accept that your old life is no more- and don't pine for it. Focus on your new roles, your new life.
I have to now apply his theories to my life. While I am not experiencing anything like the Holocaust, I'm venturing into a traumatic experience of my own.
My mother has cancer. She has a bad kind: lung cancer that has metastasized. She's been sick, but we never thought it was cancer. In retrospect, however, the diagnosis isn't surprising. She's been smoking most of her life, she's lost some weight in the past six months, she battled with "pneumonia" for a bit. Now, however, she is extremely weak and can barely eat. She's going in for the biopsy this week, but the CAT scan showed three tumors and her doctor said that things are not good.
I'm changing the direction of my blog, because my life is changing. My thesis will take a back step to my mom, I'm going to take an indefinite break from theatre, I'm going to have to approach work from a new angle.
The hardest parts so far are...
1) My mixed emotions. My emotions are running all over the place - guilt, fear, anger, extreme sadness. I haven't stopped crying since Friday. I am angry with my sister. I feel guilt for wanting to go to the gym or not spending all my time with my mom. I'm going to see a therapist to deal with these emotions, because I have to be a fighter for my mom.
2) Changing my lifestyle from one of a planner to one of a day-to-day person. With my mom being sick, and with only my sister and I to look after her, I can no longer plan activities early. I don't know when my mom will need me and I want to make every moment available to her. If our fears are correct, she could have as little as 4 months to live, as much as a year. I told my students today that I can't even tell them what we're doing in class Friday. I might need to take my mom to the doctor.
So, I am now the loved one of a cancer patient, one who is most likely to die from the disease. As my father is dead, I might not have a parent at my wedding, my child might not have a baby photo taken with "Grammy." If I live a ripe, old age, I'll have spent more than half my life without my parents. As it is, I've been alive longer than my dad has been deceased.
Thank God I have Billy and a job I love and friends who will be there for me. I'm going to need everyone of them as I get through this, and as I help my mom get through it the best she can.
