So, I've been an orphan for 2.5 weeks. I'm finding myself very stressed and I am trying to make a point to do something nice for myself every day, even if it's just walking around a park with my camera.
Today, in a moment of bittersweetness, I received a letter - I won a grant that I applied for in January for international teacher professional development. With a teacher friend, we created a personalized plan to study literacy, media, history and art in Italy. Only 25% of the teachers who apply get it - and we got it. 90% expenses paid.
And I couldn't call my mom. Mom knew about it - I applied about the same time she was diagnosed. She asked me to get her a blessed rosary from the Vatican if I get it. I'm still going to get her one, and I'll bury it at my parents' gravesite.
Sweet because I was really hoping I'd get it. Bitter because of my mom. Some of my excitement has diminished.
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Sunday, March 25, 2012
2 weeks later
Well, I've been an orphan for two weeks. I think I'm handling it well, but I don't really have a lot of time to grieve. I worry slightly that it'll catch up to me during the summer, but as I'm probably not going to teach summer school, I'm ok with that.
I'm learning so many things about life/death - life insurance, rights of succession, IRS tax codes for decedents, estate taxes, etc. I'm also realizing that I need to organize my life a lot better; if I get into a fatal, fiery car crash then Billy is screwed because I have stuff everywhere and I haven't kept my personal, financial, and legal papers as organized as I should. I know every day is precious and we never know when we pass, but hopefully I'll make it for a couple of more months. I'll organize during the summer. Right now I can barely get the energy and motivation to get off the couch. I haven't really worked out much this month, and I'm honestly not caring that my house isn't that clean. It's a small thing, and I'm learning not to sweat the small things.
I'm so full of emotions right now that I can't afford anything else emotionally trying. I don't want to end feuds between friends, or get into arguments about stuff that doesn't matter. I can barely feel sympathetic for another sick family member. It's that I don't care, but my emotions are so out there that it's hard feeling sympathy when I'm going through hell right now.
In fact, I'm too tired to keep typing. I've been cleaning out Mom's house all day, and I'm tired.
I'm learning so many things about life/death - life insurance, rights of succession, IRS tax codes for decedents, estate taxes, etc. I'm also realizing that I need to organize my life a lot better; if I get into a fatal, fiery car crash then Billy is screwed because I have stuff everywhere and I haven't kept my personal, financial, and legal papers as organized as I should. I know every day is precious and we never know when we pass, but hopefully I'll make it for a couple of more months. I'll organize during the summer. Right now I can barely get the energy and motivation to get off the couch. I haven't really worked out much this month, and I'm honestly not caring that my house isn't that clean. It's a small thing, and I'm learning not to sweat the small things.
I'm so full of emotions right now that I can't afford anything else emotionally trying. I don't want to end feuds between friends, or get into arguments about stuff that doesn't matter. I can barely feel sympathetic for another sick family member. It's that I don't care, but my emotions are so out there that it's hard feeling sympathy when I'm going through hell right now.
In fact, I'm too tired to keep typing. I've been cleaning out Mom's house all day, and I'm tired.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Too late
Mom died a few days ago. We found the cancer too late for any options to work.
I have no parents left, which is an odd feeling. My parents are back together in heaven, which is a very comforting thought because Mom missed Dad so very much. But I feel very alone. I have my sister and Billy (who asked for Mom's permission to marry me when she could still talk and was cognizant of her surroundings), and I have so many friends, but I don't have anywhere else to go. I could always go to Mom's house, but now that house is going to be sold. I'm thinking about buying it (I need a house anyway for all the antique furniture I've inherited), and it might financially be an excellent move since my sister said that she'll let me buy it for how much Mom owed on it instead of what it's worth (so that when I sell, the responsibility will be mine).
I don't know. There's so much to take in, so much to do, so many options ahead.
I have no parents left, which is an odd feeling. My parents are back together in heaven, which is a very comforting thought because Mom missed Dad so very much. But I feel very alone. I have my sister and Billy (who asked for Mom's permission to marry me when she could still talk and was cognizant of her surroundings), and I have so many friends, but I don't have anywhere else to go. I could always go to Mom's house, but now that house is going to be sold. I'm thinking about buying it (I need a house anyway for all the antique furniture I've inherited), and it might financially be an excellent move since my sister said that she'll let me buy it for how much Mom owed on it instead of what it's worth (so that when I sell, the responsibility will be mine).
I don't know. There's so much to take in, so much to do, so many options ahead.
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