So, in 17 days, she had radiation and chemo. This morning, she had a stroke, caused by one of the brain tumors to bleed. Things aren't good, I'm stressed, Mom's stressed and paralyzed partially, and surgery is not an option.
:-(
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Saturday, February 11, 2012
Positive
The last 10 days have been extremely hectic.
Mom had a biopsy, which came back as positive for small-cell carcinoma, with metastasis to a lymph node and brain. She spent many days in an ICU to watch for seizures, and has started receiving radiation treatment to shrink the tumors in her brain. Once the brain tumors are controlled, she'll start chemo for the lungs.
I've given up as many extra-curricular things as possible, and I'm spending almost every day with her, helping her around the house, pay bills, etc. She is so weak that she barely gets out of bed.
I'm getting better at balancing my life and hers, and I'm caught between feeling guilty for not being there all the time and feeling tired and wishing I had time to do my own laundry, grocery shopping, cleaning, etc. Luckily Billy is there for me, helping whenever he can (and planning a weekend getaway so that I can rest and not get caretaker's burnout).
We are very much still living day-to-day. Her outcome is not that good, and we're doing what we can to help her with whatever she wants. I haven't cried in a few days, but my emotions are definitely scattered, and I think I'm having mini-panic attacks. I'm too young for this. I'm too young to be without at least one parent, too young to have to go through my mother's things and put them in order, too young to feel this helpless.
Cancer sucks.
Mom had a biopsy, which came back as positive for small-cell carcinoma, with metastasis to a lymph node and brain. She spent many days in an ICU to watch for seizures, and has started receiving radiation treatment to shrink the tumors in her brain. Once the brain tumors are controlled, she'll start chemo for the lungs.
I've given up as many extra-curricular things as possible, and I'm spending almost every day with her, helping her around the house, pay bills, etc. She is so weak that she barely gets out of bed.
I'm getting better at balancing my life and hers, and I'm caught between feeling guilty for not being there all the time and feeling tired and wishing I had time to do my own laundry, grocery shopping, cleaning, etc. Luckily Billy is there for me, helping whenever he can (and planning a weekend getaway so that I can rest and not get caretaker's burnout).
We are very much still living day-to-day. Her outcome is not that good, and we're doing what we can to help her with whatever she wants. I haven't cried in a few days, but my emotions are definitely scattered, and I think I'm having mini-panic attacks. I'm too young for this. I'm too young to be without at least one parent, too young to have to go through my mother's things and put them in order, too young to feel this helpless.
Cancer sucks.
Wednesday, February 01, 2012
The Waiting...
My emotion today: anxiety. Secondary emotion: fear
I am having the hardest time adjusting to the fact that I have to give up control. I am a planner; I am happiest when I write the dates of important events so that I can work my mundane, every-day activities around them. I've had to give up that luxury and live day-by-day. I feel so out of control, and I have been struggling with everything because of that. I feel like I'm letting down my students because I have no idea what I'm teaching next week - I have to see how many days and which days I'm going to miss to take my mom to the hospital. I can't definitely attend a gathering because I want to keep my schedule open in case my mom wants/needs me. I am giving up everything extra in order to help care for my mom, and I'm filled with anxiety about that, too. Call me selfish, but I am afraid of losing myself. I'm afraid of becoming ragged, of getting so stressed out that I will ruin things in my life, I'm edgy and worried if that's going to take a toll on my relationship with Billy (whose father is sick himself). I'm worried that my job is going to fail. And on top of all this, I feel guilty that I'm thinking about myself. I've read that caregivers must take care of themselves, that they must eat well and work out and take times for themselves so that they can take care of others. But, knowing me, I'm afraid of not paying attention to my own needs. I'll feel guilty for not worrying and caring about my mom all the time. My mom doesn't have many people - and I'm one of the most important people to her. And she's not doing well.
On a non-emotional note, we're going in for the biopsy tomorrow. Over the past two days we've been jerked around by different doctors and hospitals. First, the biopsy would be Wednesday. Then Thursday. Then next Monday. Now it's back to Thursday. They'll do the needle biopsy. No, they'll do one through the brachial area. Her lung might collapse. It'll be done in radiology. It'll be done in the doctor's office. It'll be done in the hospital.
Finally we know for sure when and where. Now there's the waiting. Waiting for it to happen. Waiting while it happens. Waiting after it happens. Soon, soon we will know the details and can go from there.
I am having the hardest time adjusting to the fact that I have to give up control. I am a planner; I am happiest when I write the dates of important events so that I can work my mundane, every-day activities around them. I've had to give up that luxury and live day-by-day. I feel so out of control, and I have been struggling with everything because of that. I feel like I'm letting down my students because I have no idea what I'm teaching next week - I have to see how many days and which days I'm going to miss to take my mom to the hospital. I can't definitely attend a gathering because I want to keep my schedule open in case my mom wants/needs me. I am giving up everything extra in order to help care for my mom, and I'm filled with anxiety about that, too. Call me selfish, but I am afraid of losing myself. I'm afraid of becoming ragged, of getting so stressed out that I will ruin things in my life, I'm edgy and worried if that's going to take a toll on my relationship with Billy (whose father is sick himself). I'm worried that my job is going to fail. And on top of all this, I feel guilty that I'm thinking about myself. I've read that caregivers must take care of themselves, that they must eat well and work out and take times for themselves so that they can take care of others. But, knowing me, I'm afraid of not paying attention to my own needs. I'll feel guilty for not worrying and caring about my mom all the time. My mom doesn't have many people - and I'm one of the most important people to her. And she's not doing well.
On a non-emotional note, we're going in for the biopsy tomorrow. Over the past two days we've been jerked around by different doctors and hospitals. First, the biopsy would be Wednesday. Then Thursday. Then next Monday. Now it's back to Thursday. They'll do the needle biopsy. No, they'll do one through the brachial area. Her lung might collapse. It'll be done in radiology. It'll be done in the doctor's office. It'll be done in the hospital.
Finally we know for sure when and where. Now there's the waiting. Waiting for it to happen. Waiting while it happens. Waiting after it happens. Soon, soon we will know the details and can go from there.
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