The Waiting...

My emotion today: anxiety. Secondary emotion: fear

I am having the hardest time adjusting to the fact that I have to give up control. I am a planner; I am happiest when I write the dates of important events so that I can work my mundane, every-day activities around them. I've had to give up that luxury and live day-by-day. I feel so out of control, and I have been struggling with everything because of that. I feel like I'm letting down my students because I have no idea what I'm teaching next week - I have to see how many days and which days I'm going to miss to take my mom to the hospital. I can't definitely attend a gathering because I want to keep my schedule open in case my mom wants/needs me. I am giving up everything extra in order to help care for my mom, and I'm filled with anxiety about that, too. Call me selfish, but I am afraid of losing myself. I'm afraid of becoming ragged, of getting so stressed out that I will ruin things in my life, I'm edgy and worried if that's going to take a toll on my relationship with Billy (whose father is sick himself). I'm worried that my job is going to fail. And on top of all this, I feel guilty that I'm thinking about myself. I've read that caregivers must take care of themselves, that they must eat well and work out and take times for themselves so that they can take care of others. But, knowing me, I'm afraid of not paying attention to my own needs. I'll feel guilty for not worrying and caring about my mom all the time. My mom doesn't have many people - and I'm one of the most important people to her. And she's not doing well.

On a non-emotional note, we're going in for the biopsy tomorrow. Over the past two days we've been jerked around by different doctors and hospitals. First, the biopsy would be Wednesday. Then Thursday. Then next Monday. Now it's back to Thursday. They'll do the needle biopsy. No, they'll do one through the brachial area. Her lung might collapse. It'll be done in radiology. It'll be done in the doctor's office. It'll be done in the hospital.

Finally we know for sure when and where. Now there's the waiting. Waiting for it to happen. Waiting while it happens. Waiting after it happens. Soon, soon we will know the details and can go from there.