Sometimes a Sonnet...

Can express words that you can't come up with yourself.  And so, here's how I feel today.

Sonnet 30, by William Shakespeare.

When to the sessions of sweet silent thought
I summon up remembrance of things past,
I sigh the lack of many a thing I sought,
And with old woes new wail my dear time's waste:
Then can I drown an eye, unused to flow,
For precious friends hid in death's dateless night,
And weep afresh love's long since cancelled woe,
And moan the expense of many a vanished sight:
Then can I grieve at grievances foregone,
And heavily from woe to woe tell o'er
The sad account of fore-bemoaned moan,
Which I new pay as if not paid before.
   But if the while I think on thee, dear friend,
   All losses are restor'd and sorrows end.

____________________

Sometimes I find myself extremely melancholy.  Not dangerously so - no, I have too many places to see before I die - but enough that makes me temporarily lose the smile on which that so many people compliment me.  Perhaps it's the loss of my family.  Perhaps it's the dissolution of toxic people.  Perhaps its looking at the future and questioning my present.  Perhaps it's the memories of what I wanted, yet did not get.

I miss certain people in my life.  I miss who I was 5 years ago.  Experiences change a person, and I don't like who I've become since the tragedy and heartbreak that I've faced in the past 5 years.  I used to be lively, used to laugh.  Lately, I seem to furrow my brows more, or get angry.  I used to rarely get angry, but now I find that anger and sorrow is a more constant companion than hope.  I tell my fiance that I wish he knew me 5 years ago.

I will be married soon.  I will have my master's degree soon.  I will travel once again to England soon.  I will travel once again to NY soon.  In theory, I have so much hope in front of me, but today I can't help but look back.