Nontraditional Bride

Sometimes I wonder if I have some kind of autism spectrum disorder, like a mild form of Asperger's.  I say that because I am having the hardest time getting absolutely giggly at my wedding.  I'm not sure this is normal.  Perhaps it's because most of my family is dead and I've been living with my fiancé for 2 years now - so it's not like anything is going to magically happen.  Maybe it's because I'm 35 and have fewer dreams than I did when I was 25.  Maybe because my dreams of my twenties came crashing down and I've become cynical.  Maybe all of the above.

I'm looking forward to being a wife, and specifically my fiance's wife, but I truly am missing some emotional chip here.  Billy laughs at me sometimes and tells me that I'm more of a guy in our relationship - I don't share my feelings, I'm pretty rational, I don't cry much, I look at things more logical than emotional.  I don't understand overflow of sadness, and I feel awkward with people who do.

I've been asked several times, "I bet you're over the moon.  You must be soooo excited about your wedding!" No, not really.  I'm not dreading it - don't get me wrong.  But I look at these young women on the wedding site forums and can't help but snort with derision at many of them.  So many are becoming bridezillas and princesses - "OMG, my friend is going to ruin MY day because she's wearing the same colors of my bridesmaids" or "This is MY day.  How dare a guy friend ask me if he can invite his live-in boyfriend when I clearly put him down as one?"  I'm finding these women are also forgetting that the wedding is about one thing - people sharing in the love a couple has for one another.  So many of these bridezillas seem to focus more on the attention that they will receive rather than the purpose.  Manners get thrown out the window.  How I can be excited at an event that, with every day, is becoming more and more commercialized.

I recently looked at my late parents' wedding album.  It was a lovely wedding.  They were married in the Catholic church with one bridesmaid and one groomsmen.  Then, according to the pictures, they had a small cake and punch reception.  Everything was beautiful and didn't seem over the top.  I know the 60s were a different time, but I doubt my mom was focusing on silly themes like "Romance and lace" or demanding that her bridesmaids spend $500 on sparkly leopard print shoes and matching clutch.  I doubt that they would've spent more than they could afford to show off something that is only temporary.

I'm not wearing white.  I don't care what song is being played as I enter the building.  We're not having a cocktail hour.  We're not spending more than we have in our accounts.  I ordered my pretty formal, colored dress three sizes too small - because I want to work like hell to get back to my pre-2009 weight.  But if I get pregnant before then, or break a leg and can't work out and then my dress won't fit - whatever.  I'll just get a new dress.  Life goes on.  I'll still be married at the end of the day.  I really don't want to stress, and I want to laugh if I get barbecue sauce on my dress or break a heel.  Life is all about rolling with the punches - something I've become very good at doing.

And again, I'll still be married by 4:30pm on that day.  :-)