Who Am I?

I am not the person I was last year.
I am not the person I was three years ago.
I am not the person I want to be in five years.
I am not the person I want to be now.
Who am I?

Life has been so incredibly stressful (as some of you know as per our phone conversations). I've been given another class prep, which means extra lesson plans, extra exams, extra activities, extra everything. I now have 4 class preparations, which is an insanely large number. And that new class might be taken away from me next week. Who knows.

I've been slowly dropping everything that I used to cherish. I haven't worked on my script since June. I wasn't cast in the last show I auditioned for, which turned out to be a good thing since I have no time now anyway. I won't audition for anything anytime soon. I've basically all but dropped my mentoring duties with Team in Training. I'm dropping the Rodeo. I don't spend much time with my friends.

I can't make time for me anymore, so how can I possibly make time for others?

Most of my days are spent at work: 10 hour days (sometimes 12). My weekend are filled with grading and novel reading (for class) and writing quizzes and updating grades and creating activities and research. Sometimes I manage to eke out a bit of time for the Sailor, sometimes not. Sometimes I get a chance to catch a matinee by myself. Sometimes I get time to read 5 pages of a novel (instead of the 100s that I could devour in a weekend).

I cut my hair Sunday for the first time in 6 months. I haven't had my eyebrows done in forever. I badly need a manicure. My clothes need ironing. I feel guilty when I'm at home and doing work, because I could spend that time on me. On the flip side, however, I feel bad doing stuff for me because I have so much grading to do. My workouts aren't near what they used to be. I hate spending time away from my home because drive time is time wasted or could be used reading or running or something else. I feel pressured to go to bed early so that I can wake up early to workout, but I'm so exhausted that I automatically re-set my alarm when it goes off early.

Right now, I'm trying to decide: wake up early and go running, or wake up early and go to work and catch up on my grades, since progress reports are due next week and I have a slew of essays I'll be working on soon. And then this weekend I'm going to Baton Rouge, which means I have less time to do work.

AAARRRRGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

So that's why my updates haven't been as faithful. It's 7:46 and I'm thinking, "Why am I writing this? I need to grade those darned quizzes!" and yet I'm thinking "F***K it, by brain is dead and I need to recharge."

My stress level is way to high for me right now.

Sigh.