Self-Torture

I have the tendency to punish myself, and I don't really know why. Maybe because I think I'm not worthy of some things? Maybe it's because of my low self-esteem? I don't have a precise answer, but I do it.

Yesterday's self-punishment took the form of exercise. I think I was punishing myself for having not been to the gym or doing aerobics in a while.

Yesterday's exercise stats:

7:45am - 5k run.

1pm - 40 minutes Tae-bo flex.

4pm - 35 minutes elliptical machine, 25 minutes weights (upper body).

Now, just three years ago I could do all of that and more with no problem (imagine 65 minutes on the elliptical machine, 25 minutes weights and 60 minutes Tae-bo or pilates in the same day). Lately, however, I've been concentrating on running distances and haven't added as much of the other forms of exercise. I can feel my limbs losing flexibility (I used to be much more flexible in the heyday of my exercising) and the lack of weight-training (due to time and running) is taking its toll on my upper body. Therefore, one of my goals this summer is to work out as much as I can, but incorporating alternate forms (that I used to do) including yoga, pilates and kick-boxing, as well as resuming weight training 5 times a week. When I was a Starbucks employee, and thus with much more flexible time schedule on my hand, I could do it. Now that I'm on a fixed teacher schedule, I haven't been able to figure out how to do it and therefore it's gone to the wayside.

I started yesterday with my multi-exercise (see above). And how do I feel today? Like crap. My hip flexors, hamstrings and glutes are sore from the Tae-bo (which I haven't done in months) and my deltoids and lattimus dorsi are sore from the weights (normally they wouldn't be, but I haven't lifted consistently in weeks and I tacked on extra weights to torture myself). This is a good pain, but I can barely lift my arms over my head or squat without grimacing slightly.

Plus I actually went out last night (hung out with my theatre friends at my co-actor's apartment), therefore got in late, woke up early (since I physically can't sleep late) and the little sleep I did have was horrible (thanks to a particular emotionally disturbing dream). I didn't do much at all today. I went to the movies ("Posiedon" was great!) and the bookstore (I'm intermingling my classics with chick lit) and back home. I took a three hour nap, woke up two hours ago, read and ate dinner. I'll be in bed shortly because I'm getting up early tomorrow morning to go running. I'm tired.

Tomorrow's exercise: am running, afternoon Tae-bo or fat-burning yoga, and pm running.

It's nice to be off. I hope I won't get bored for at least three weeks.

Cheers!