Wow (and not a good one)

I haven't run on a Saturday in a long time (except for the Sunday half-marathons I ran this year). Today, I just did not want to do my long run. So I didn't. I blame the cooler temperatures. Instead, I went home (because yes, I decided I didn't want to run after I parked by car at Memorial Park), graded tests, went to the gym to use the elliptical machine and lift weights, and then got my hair cut.

Tomorrow I'll do my 15 miles. I just didn't feel like it today. I'm hurting, I'm not happy with my running and I feel like lead. I've been having some great runs (like Wednesday's 12:20 average pace and two more runs with that kind of time), but then the next day I'm a full minute slower. I'm in a running rut I think. I am also terrified, I realized. I know I can do 12 minute, 12:20 minute miles and feel fine, but I'm afraid of getting too tired and overall doing miserably. I want so badly to finish my next race in around 6 hours, because I feel like a slug with the times I presently hold.

Someone once told me that he was afraid I would one day start to hate running. I don't think I hate running, but I've realized I'm beginning to detest the runs longer than 13 miles. Ever since I started running, I've been training for a race. I have never run just to run; it's always been in preparation. I wanted to put off my marathon training until I lost 30 pounds (now 24 more), but I missed the thrill of training and the race (and began to fear I'd lose whatever long-distance ability I had), so I signed up for the Country Music Marathon anyway. Now, however, I am beginning to regret my decision. I'm going to finish the marathon, however, because I know I'll feel wonderful/proud after I finish (plus I've been training harder for this marathon than I have the other two marathons I've run). After I finish, I'm going to hang up the full marathons until I actually lose the rest of the pounds I want to. Don't get me wrong: I'll still run, but I'll focus more on total weekly mileage than my long run. And by running shorter distances daily, I hope to increase my speed since I don't have to worry about not injuring myself before a long run. I'll keep my longest run to 10-12 miles.

What does this mean for the fall season? I don't know yet. I've decided to NOT put my name in for New York this year. If I did, I'd feel pressured and I'm not ready for that right now (besides, I'd rather run NY when I'm more confident). As for MCM, I don't know if I'll do that one either. I'm going to put my name in the lottery, but ask me again in June if I'm going to do it. Hell, the only reason I'm considering doing it is because Andy's doing it and it might be fun to run the same marathon (although he'll finish it MUCH faster than me, and I'm ok with that - he's a runner, I'm a jogger). I'll probably to the Nike Women's half, the Dallas half, the Baton Rouge half, etc., but I need to focus on the small things again before focusing on the big things. Right now, my small things are getting lighter and faster (not incredibly fast, but I want to get down to 10:30-11 minute miles comfortably).

I want to get out of this rut. I think the best thing for me is to stop running marathons for a while, until I feel better about my running. Luckily, my race is only 5-6 weeks away.

I'd say "Cheers", but I'm not in a very cheerful mood (as you could probably sense).

Sigh.